Thinking of relocating to GA? Here is your (humorous) Guide to Atlanta for Newcomers!

Atlanta guide for newcomers! 🤓

This is for anyone who lives in Atlanta, Georgia, has ever lived in Atlanta, has ever visited Atlanta, ever plans to visit Atlanta, knows anyone who already lives in Atlanta, or knows anyone who has ever heard of Atlanta.

Atlanta is composed mostly of one-way streets. The only way to get out of downtown Atlanta is to turn around and start over when you reach Greenville, South Carolina.

It generally takes about an Hour, to an Hour and a Half to get to Atlanta, from Atlanta.

There is no real Rapid-Transit or Mass-Transit system in Atlanta. There’s something called MARTA (Metro Atlanta Rapid Transit Authority) that doesn’t cover all of Metro Atlanta, and that’s neither “Rapid” nor “Mass”. It’s more of an “Afterthought-last-chance-of-getting-someplace-Transit”

Carpooling rarely happens.

Atlantans love their cars as much as their privacy. There are High Occupancy Vehicle lanes that had to be converted to toll lanes because there weren’t enough 2 or more passenger cars to make it worthwhile.

People have been ticketed for having blow up toys in the passenger seat and dolls in car seats just to try and fake carpooling.

All directions start with, “Go down Peachtree” and include the phrase, “When you see the Waffle House.” except for Cobb County, where all directions begin with, “Go to the Big Chicken” (Including GPS directions).

Peachtree Street has no beginning and no end and is not to be confused with:

  • Peachtree Circle
  • Peachtree Place
  • Peachtree Lane
  • Peachtree Road
  • Peachtree Parkway
  • Peachtree Run
  • Peachtree Terrace
  • Peachtree Avenue
  • Peachtree Commons
  • Peachtree Battle
  • Peachtree Corners
  • New Peachtree
  • Old Peachtree
  • West Peachtree
  • Peachtree-Dunwoody
  • Peachtree-Chamblee
  • Peachtree Industrial Boulevard
  • Or any of the 30+ additional streets that have Peachtree in their names.

Atlantans only know their way to work and their way home. If you ask anyone for directions, they will always send you down Peachtree.

Atlanta is the home of Coca-Cola. Coke’s all they drink here so don’t ask for any other soft drink unless it’s made by Coca-Cola. Even if you want something other than a Coca-Cola, it’s still called Coke.

EXCEPT Atlantans never say “Co-ca Co-la”, nor “At-lan-ta”.

You drink a “Cocola in Atlanna “

The gates at Atlanta ‘s Hartsfield-Jackson International Airport are about 32 miles away from the Main Concourse, so wear sneakers and pack a lunch.

The 8 a.m. rush hour is from 6:00 a.m. to 10:30 a.m.

The 5 p.m. rush hour is from 3:00 p.m. to 7:30 pm.

All remaining hours are the lunch rush hour.

Friday’s rush hour starts Thursday afternoon and lasts through 2 a.m. Saturday.

Red Lights and Stop Signs in Atlanta aren’t treated as LAW. They’re more like suggestions.

If the Light has been red for a while, you probably should stop, but if it’s only about to turn red, speed up – You Can Make It!

And a STOP sign is treated as a “Slow-down-just-enough-to-make-sure-there’s-not-a-cop” Sign.

Only a native can pronounce Ponce De Leon Avenue, so do not attempt the Spanish pronunciation. People will simply tilt their heads to the right and stare at you. The Atlanta pronunciation is “pawntz duh LEE-awn.”

And yes, they have a street named simply, “Boulevard.”

The falling of one raindrop causes all drivers to immediately forget all traffic rules. If a single snowflake falls, the city is paralyzed for three days and it’s on all the channels as a news flash every 15 minutes for a week. Overnight, all grocery stores will be sold out of milk, bread, bottled water, toilet paper, and beer.

I-285, the loop that encircles Atlanta, has a posted speed limit of 55-65 mph but you have to maintain 80 mph just to keep from getting run over and is known to truckers as “The Watermelon 500.”

And 285 has wonderful directional signs that advise towns like “Augusta, Greenville, Chattanooga, Birmingham, Montgomery, and Macon” depending which part of the Circle of Hell you are trying to enter. BUT, 285 does NOT take you to any of those cities. It merely points you in a general direction that might lead you there eventually on other highways.

Hell, 285 won’t even take you to Atlanta. Just ask Pascual Perez.

Don’t believe the directional markers on highways: I-285 is marked “East” and “West” but you may be going North or South. The locals identify the direction by referring to the “Inner Loop” and the “Outer Loop .” If you travel on Hwy 92 North, you will actually be going southeast.

Never buy a ladder or mattress in Atlanta. Just go to one of the interstates and you will soon find one in the middle of the road.

The last thing you want to do is give another driver the finger, unless your car is armored, your trigger finger is itchy, and your AR-15 has a full magazine.

Possums and armadillos are flat animals that sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in the air.

There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 live in Georgia .

There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in Georgia.

If it grows, it sticks. If it crawls, it bites.

If you notice a vine trying to wrap itself around your leg, you have about 20 seconds to escape, before you are completely captured and covered with Kudzu.

It’s not a shopping cart, it’s a buggy.

“Fixinto” is one word (I’m fixinto go to the store) – also can be pronounced “Fixinta”.

Sweet Tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you’re 2 years old.

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